30th

i miss the past
the night when I was surrounded with despair
your warmth and concern gave me comfort and chased away my despair

after losing all i had
i thought i had nothing to fear until one day
u left

brought away my smiles and left only loneliness and i forgot how happiness felt
with no random nights and bright days with you, i can only close my eyes and imagine.
i wonder who is beside you replacing me and covering the past.
losing what we had in the past.

(modified from a song)
.....................................................................................................................

taking a lesson from joleen
you do not mix grapes with fish for steaming

i hope everything i do
is not viewed as extra ingredients to the people around me.
the way i throw the piece of tissue does not mirror how i treat my family
the way i treat any single entity does not mirror how i treat another
......................................................................................................................

someone mentioned that it is okay for me to continue protecting myself by not committing emotions until i am certain of the other party

but maybe she gave the wrong judgement.
i had already let the guard down.

with every relationship to close ones the walls are down.

so lesson 501: being emo and locking yourself in slience and angst is cliche, cindy's suggestion.embrace everyone with a seemingly open heart but attach it with indifference for the other party's welfare. :]
meaning make use for everyone for entertainment and once you are bored/irritated leave them and upload a new version. delete the old software of course..................


or can i practice what i preach?


haha.


...................................................................................................................................
i do not have the luxury of time.
we all don't
the people around us may leave us any moment
maybe in spirit/body
or simply not remember any of us suddenly.

"every moment with loved ones count." this 6 word line smashes what ever i said on top doesn't it?

why can't people recognise that no matter how pessimistic and fucked up life is.
your boss may be hell.
your project may be on the rocks.
your hair cut may have been a tragedy
you may be having a hard time.

you can complain and burn the whole town down

but
if you knew the people you care about may leave you one hour later.
would you treat them the same way?
....................................................................................................................................
dementia patients' family members
or families who just lost a member
usually cry

some for the pain of the loss but sadly mostly for
regret

i hate regret as loss can be healed by time.
but regret for a lost loved one is not curable and nothing can be done.
.....................................................
i love all the happy moments i spent with my loved ones.
and the sad times spent helped me treasure all the better moments

and i'm glad and i'm not going to mince my words for the sake of false modesty
but i don't regret how i treated my loved ones around me.
i really did my best to love the people dear to me in the only ways i knew.

maybe tomorrow i may lose another but.
at least through the pain i know i have no regrets.

what about you?