my thoughts for you

i'm really tired.
i dunnoe if u will read this post.
dun wanna think of that for the moment.

but

i keep thinking of you.
even when im with the guy i met in melbourne
i think of you.
n i feel sick with myself for doing that
i even told him what i feel abt u.


i thought of u until sleep fails me.
5am sleeps
tearing
cause im frustrated

i contacted you a few times to meet up.
but after at the 3rd msg.i kinda get your pt.
u do not want to meet me.
at 1st i was upset.
then i realise i have no right to be upset.u're being human
and me msging you probably brings back super bad memories to you.

i know i should not have hurt u in the past so badly

i did not leave you for him
i left you cause as usual.cindy did not know what she wanted and therefore just had the fuck it mentality which selfishly ruined everything.

but i should not have left you and then date so fast.
time cannot be reversed and what's done is done.


and now.the crappy feeling is because everywhere reminds me of u.
mac ritchie. np.walks home.
every fucking thing.
retribution is the only word on my mind recently.

love was such an unlikely thing in the past, that i dismissed the thought and chose to be the number one bitch.

im really glad you seemed to move on and is leading a happier life
as shown on facebook.
and i know
patching is out of the question
because we were great together.
so great that i kept running away.
kept pushing you away when we were tgt.

i hurt you twice.
i even bit the hand which loved me so much.
let you down when u needed the most reassurance.

and gave u so much hope and left u the next moment
and gave u so much doubt when we were tgt.

i hope.
i made you smile with my surprise visits.
just like how your roses made me smile.

i hope i gave you strength.
just like how you did when dad collapsed.

i hope
you were happy with me.
just like how you made me happy on every date we had in the past.

i hope
that after being with such a shitty gf
u'll be blessed with a great gf
who can appreciate you and love you so veryvery much
and who can understand your moods and actions
and not doubt the future.

i know i said sorry one too many times.
so now.
i'll only say.
thank you.

you really gave me more support than any other living person on this earth.
you loved me more than anyone else.
you cared and gave me your all.
and till this day.
i don't regret being your gf for those 1 year plus we were tgt.
because the days we had tgt or apart even with the mas selamat/overseas training/ndp/confinement............you were a great bf.
and the girl who's going to be your gf........is going to be one fucking lucky girl.

everything was my fault.
but please hate me for a short while. i hope with time, when we see each other on the streets, we'll be able to smile and sincerely ask abt each other's lives while wishing the other all the best.

study hard and play hard :)
wishing you all the best

cheers mate.