sessions

i guess the sessions with her
made me a more open person

more willing the share deeper into the surface

but the fear these days has been increasing
with memories of the past flooding in
i guess its better to keep somethings in as always.

these past few days.gave me time to calm down and breathe without guilt
and i thank you for giving me this peace
i won't run away permanently from reality

i just want to enjoy my youth
spending time with my family
chatting with the ladies at the home
going out with friends on impromptu dates which need no explanation or planning
lazing at home alone

but the peace as usual was short lived
and i realise soon there's going to be another surgery
at the hospital,
the memories of staying overnight at sgh came rushing back again and again.
the nurses rushing about
the doctors with tired smiles
the grim looks of relatives
the blood on the sheets
the blood in the tubes
the maze of tubes on patients
the wheelchairs
the never ending rows of beds
the plastic fake rubber yellowish sofas
the squeaky sounds they emit when you squirm on them
the family members texting rapidly on their handphones with tired, worried,frazzled expressions on their faces.
the sickening smell of alcohol,blood and detol in the air.
it stays on your clothes the whole day, on your hair, the stench cloyingly clinging on to your skin.your nostrils filled with it

but i think, this time around i will be ready to go through the motions.
i will be ready
i will not fret, worry, be emotional or be weak.
i am ready
i did this before
it's not my first
i'm 21
i'm strong willed
i'm a buff girl
i can take this without bro ard
i will be okay
and mom will be okay
and dad will be safe

everything will be just fine