just in case i forget.
i actually visited a coal mine in china and entered the tunnel and
a pottery factory........which was realli cool
i realli liked the basic machines and touching the soft clay
and seeing this old man walking ard with wares like some opium drug and facial masks to sell to factory workers.....
and like the factory workers lining up cups on a wooden plank and just walking ard.
oh! and the water-run wooden stone grinder.

oh n we did stay at a hot spring........which was quite bad cause it was the same as the one at home except that sleeping tgt was nice.hahahahhaha(w/ sam nana and wanting)

hmmmmmm
actually this post is more abt what i wanted to say
which is......
i don't know if sorry is the right word.....
for both cases......
i don't know if i did something wrong to both parties......or all parties.
but i am sure i did not do so with evil intentions.

if sorry mends the situation i am still not sure if i want to say it

its such a tiresome word
after saying it in the past
should i even say it.
should another owner lay claim to it instead.

..............
another matter would be.
i really really really love my close friends alot
i would never do anything to harm them
and i really hope that my belief of them loving me as much is true
after the china trip and dad's incident and be being left as the support of the family during this period of time.
i really realise.
as much as i want to be independent
which i am still learning how to

and as much as i am as independent as i can be

the times i spend with these confidantes
are like time-outs or "breather-times"
where i can take a break, think about what is happening or maybe just not think about what is happening and just relax and just recharge for whatever comes next.

sometimes i wish i can stop being a bother and just be entirely independent like a hermit and just deal with issues by myself and have no need for friends,confidantes and just live life alone.
but looking back at your happiest memories.
they are probably spent with family and friends and not when you were alone

we came into this world alone and will leave this world alone

in my mind
i came on to this world empty like a sponge with no memories
and i want to leave here alone with chewy sticky comforting memories(if that makes sense at all-my fav food are mostly so)


i still have not found my dream yet
at the moment
i am still living a very unfocused life (of which i am not proud of and am still learning to accept)
i have no special things which i feel i can pour all my energy, life and focus into

but
i am striving to live my life
in the small things i do daily
with a conscious effort to ensure i do not regret my actions

"doing my best" suddenly seems very vague
i think doing what i can with my absolute efforts in the given environment
is slightly more defined,

sometimes i forget about this personal slogan
and do things in a lackadaisical fashion
and when i do recall
i get really irritated.
so i am repeating this "try damn hard" habit
again and again consciously
and i hope it is growing steadily to be an instinct.
i HOPE.

...............
there are so many uncertainties in life which positively speaking..makes like interesting and worth living
and in a negative light........makes life fucked up

everything now seems the right way up and yet cluttered and mismanaged.

..........
i thought angst fades as age catches up
i guess.it just multiples

.
its late.i'll rumble more on another day.

for now i still have worries of a friendship
but regarding some.........
i am truly lucky to have known them

cheers'